Thursday, November 29, 2007
One for the Road?
Some of last night's reading spurred some thinking about love, making this a relatively controversial post for me because for the last 3 years (almost to the day actually) I have avoided talking about the Real thing unless referencing a movie, book or some other person's relationship. And speaking of those other people, my thought was this:
I can only think of five friends who've been in love more than once. I'm talking massive butterflies translated into a consistent relationship kind of love. I'm not naming names but I will say that I've only known 3 of them for both of these relationships.
I only let myself go the whole way once. I've had meaningful people in my life since then and puppy love before it but I've only let go the one time and that seems like two lives ago. I barely remember him now, in terms of who he is/was as a person, I just remember how it all felt- banter with someone you love, sex with someone you love, fighting with someone you love and even hating someone you still love although thank God that passed. I truly don't think you can actually hate someone unless you loved them first. Everything else is just a variant or on principle.
I will say it out loud now: I want the upgrade. 2.0 Version X. I don't want to fall in love "again" because that infers that it's the same and, well, it shouldn't be. I want to fall in love better, with less drama and more empathy, less wist and more real life, more chemistry and fewer explosions in the lab. I want to know that I'm capable of it, that I can give generously to someone without losing myself in the process. And I want to stay that way for awhile. How's that for a Christmas list?
At this point, the last virus took such a nasty turn that I feel I have developed antibodies to any prospect of something real. The truth is that lovesick is a good thing if it's a symbiotic relationship. Now I've really lost my romantic touch- I've compared "Love" to something like Ebola and to a parasite (the kind that cling to fish) in two sentences.
For those of you out there who've managed to get it right the second (or third, fourth, seventh...) time, how did you let down your guard again? Or did someone just find a way in?
We've got time, but inquiring minds still want to know.