Thursday, November 29, 2007

One for the Road?

Some of last night's reading spurred some thinking about love, making this a relatively controversial post for me because for the last 3 years (almost to the day actually) I have avoided talking about the Real thing unless referencing a movie, book or some other person's relationship. And speaking of those other people, my thought was this:

I can only think of five friends who've been in love more than once. I'm talking massive butterflies translated into a consistent relationship kind of love. I'm not naming names but I will say that I've only known 3 of them for both of these relationships.

I only let myself go the whole way once. I've had meaningful people in my life since then and puppy love before it but I've only let go the one time and that seems like two lives ago. I barely remember him now, in terms of who he is/was as a person, I just remember how it all felt- banter with someone you love, sex with someone you love, fighting with someone you love and even hating someone you still love although thank God that passed. I truly don't think you can actually hate someone unless you loved them first. Everything else is just a variant or on principle.

I will say it out loud now: I want the upgrade. 2.0 Version X. I don't want to fall in love "again" because that infers that it's the same and, well, it shouldn't be. I want to fall in love better, with less drama and more empathy, less wist and more real life, more chemistry and fewer explosions in the lab. I want to know that I'm capable of it, that I can give generously to someone without losing myself in the process. And I want to stay that way for awhile. How's that for a Christmas list?

At this point, the last virus took such a nasty turn that I feel I have developed antibodies to any prospect of something real. The truth is that lovesick is a good thing if it's a symbiotic relationship. Now I've really lost my romantic touch- I've compared "Love" to something like Ebola and to a parasite (the kind that cling to fish) in two sentences.

For those of you out there who've managed to get it right the second (or third, fourth, seventh...) time, how did you let down your guard again? Or did someone just find a way in?

We've got time, but inquiring minds still want to know.


CVDJ said...

if you want my brash opinion...I think it comes down to finding your identity in a relationship, so letting your first love go is intimately intertwind with letting parts of you go

Jonk said...

"If I loved you...then I would love you in any way I could. And if we could not touch, then I would draw strength from your beauty. And if I went blind then I would fill my soul with the sound of your voice and the contents of your thoughts until the last spark of my love for you lit the shabby darkness of my dying mind."
(thanks, Television Without Pity)
--Alfredo Aldarisio (thanks, Wikipedia)

ToKissTheCook said...

Mrs. Jones- I knew you'd come up with something good.

Jon- way to upstage the married. Wow- did you add that to Wikipedia? I hope so. Wikipedia can be 10- perfect:)

Gjelly said...

I want that crazy, weak in the knees, make myself a better person, do anything for you, completely inspiring, the world can do no wrong when you're with me kind of love. You're right-that is some Christmas list! :) If I knew you, I'd call you up and have you over for a drink. I think you'd be a lot of fun to talk to! Cheers!

ToKissTheCook said...

G- I had several cheers tonight. ANd you're right...we would have a GREAT time!

If you have any intention to visit Chi, let me know.

I'll do a menu and cocktails and we can make ornaments as yours our adorable!

Susie said...

I've been there twice...After the first time, I thought I would never get over it, but I think I was able to be with the second because he was sooo entirely different from the first. And my second love was soo much stronger and more meaningful than my first.

I'll never forget once when we were fighting, I asked my bf (#2 haha) why he seemed like he hated me so much. And he responded, "because I love you. The opposite of love is not hatred, it's indifference." Sooo true. I think about that a wouldn't bother fighting with someone you didn't care about.

Anyway, it is scary..but for every time I've been hurt badly, I can later see how much I've learned and become the person I am.

That said, I am sooo happy being by myself right now. I've become such a different/better person. And when my next relationship comes along, it's going to be soooo much better than any previous.

I believe that when you meet the guy, your guard will naturally let itself down.

bennyg said...

As you know, I'm an odd one who got my heart broken and then found the girl I was going to marry (and have a baby with) less than 6 months after the end of the first "love" relationship.

To answer your questions, I don't know that you ever completely get over someone you loved. Parts of those relationships always stick with you. And obviously, you learn from those experiences, so it's good to never let them go completely.

I will say that I'm a firm believer in the rebound though. After you've lost love, a good "just for fun" relationship helps a lot in the process of moving on and allowing you to let someone else in. Think of it more as a test run at letting someone else in. After that, if and when you find the right person it's easy.

For me, I could tell from across the bar that I had found Mrs. Right. OK, so maybe it was the beer, mixed with the short skirt, long legs, tight body, and cowboy boots (it was fraternity theme party), but I still found her and figured out that she was Mrs. Right the next week when I had sobered up. And for me, it was pretty easy to let her in because I knew I didn't want to mess it up.

ToKissTheCook said...

Susie- it's good to hear that perspective and from reading YOUR stuff, we have found ourselves in at least similar situations. I want to think that if someone can figure out the password, the guard will go away on its own as well. Or better yet, maybe my relationship baggage mimics the sphinx in NeverEnding Story. That would be cool.

Benjy- You're pretty much the bomb. And I do remember ALL of that very well- how it turned out does give some hope to the wicked. Now look at you- married and living with two gorgeous ladies. Well three with Georgia I guess. I'm genuinely sad I missed Charlotte over Thanksgiving so PICTURES please!!!

So@24 said...

Augh! I wish I could contribute, but I am not at that stage yet. Great post!

PS. Thanks for the shout out!