Bridezilla: Parts 11-14

Last but not least from TKTC Guest Editor Elle Turin- MANY thanks for sharing your pithy charisma on a very wintry week!

Part 11: Prepping for the Big Day

As I arrive at the church with my $250 dress, $30 sash and $250 shoes in hand (what? I needed to feel good about SOMETHING in this mess), I see that Bridezilla is having her hair done by a woman who is still living in 1994. Pretty sure I saw a scrunchie.

“Hey!” I say. “How are you doing?”

“I want vodka,” Bridezilla says. You and me both, lady. You and me both.

Mrs. 1994 finishes Bridezilla’s hair and starts on mine.

“I love your haircut,” she says. “It’s really well done.”

“It’s from 2007,” I say.

Once we’re all gussied up, we let the pricey photographer take a few pictures. And then we wait.

While we are waiting, Cheating-Groom’s mother comes into the room to wait with us. We’re all nervous. I’m nervous about falling on my ass in my Charles Davids. Bridezilla is nervous about… well… just listen:

“I can’t stop moving. I’m so nervous. Quick, distract me,” she says.

“Uh, hey, remember when you wanted some vodka?” I say.

“Yes, why, do you have some?”

“No.” I’m very helpful.

“God, I’m nervous,” Bridezilla says.

“Do you think you’re gonna fall too?” I ask. “Because these shoes may be FIERCE, but I swear, I might face-plant right in front of those pews.”

Cheating-Groom’s mom smiles. She’s pretty quiet.

Bridezilla says, “No, I won’t fall. I’m just nervous about, you know, making a lifetime commitment.”

SCREEEEECH.

WHAT?

Oh, God, please tell me she did not just say that in front of Cheating-Groom’s MOTHER.

Instead of taking it back, she decides to make it worse.

“Yeah, and the funniest thing is that a few weeks before Cheating-Groom proposed, I was going to break up with him! I just didn’t want to date him anymore, really. I was over it.”

Oh. My. God.

Cheating-Groom’s mom gives an awkward smile and runs away.

I, for once, am speechless.

Part 12: The Ceremony

Ceremony time finally arrives and I slooowly walk down the aisle in my fancy-schmancy shoes. I do not fall. I am awesome.

The priest begins the ceremony by telling the guests how Bridezilla and Cheating-Groom met.

He lied.

“Most of you know that Bridezilla, having gone to the State-U, is a big State-U fan. And Cheating-Groom over here, well, he went to Rival. And the two of them met one fateful fall day at a State-U/Rival football game. I don’t know who won, but I do know that if they can stay together through those football seasons, they’ll be together forever!”

The guests roar.

I, on the other hand, pick my jaw up from the floor. That is NOT how they met. I will tell you how they met.

Bridezilla was in college at State-U, a notorious party school with zero interest in academics. Bridezilla had never even kissed a boy before.

Her roommate’s friend, Cheating-Groom, came into town to visit, and everyone went out and got very drunk. Bridezilla was so drunk, she ended up making out with Cheating-Groom that very first night at the end of the bar.

“Heey, Bridezilla, need some chapstick?” her friends teased (they’re witty like that). “Who’s your new friend?”

“Oh, this is Cheap-Group,” she said.

Cheating-Groom interrupts. “Uh, actually it’s Cheating-Groom.”

That’s right, folks. Bridezilla didn’t even know his name.

“Whatever,” she slurred.

She later told me that she didn’t expect (or want) to hear from him again, but he emailed her and they kept in touch. And then got married a few years later.

What a great start, huh? Throw in two cheating incidents (his) and some pathetic acceptance (hers), and you’ve got a recipe for romance!

So, back to the ceremony. I assume I am the only person who knows the true story of their first encounter because everyone else is looking at them lovingly. Some are even crying. I try to glance back at my fiance ever-so-sneakily, but I’m scared that if I shift my feet, I will fall off the step I’m standing on. So, I’m all alone in my shock.

Luckily, the ceremony lasted all of 6 minutes, so there weren’t many more opportunities to lie in front of God.

Part 13: The Reception

I got drunk.

The end.

Part 14: Epilogue

Bridezilla and Cheating-Groom are still married, many months later. He has not cheated on her yet, but I don’t think she would tell me about it anymore even if he did.

Bridezilla hasn’t had a job in nearly a year. She has no desire to get a job. I do not understand how she pay her bills, especially since Cheating-Groom’s salary rivals that of a lowly graduate student (except he’s without the advanced degree). Nonetheless, she is a lazy housewife in a teeny-tiny town with nothing to do and no goals to accomplish.

I predict she is biding her time until she can get knocked up and pop out a kid, which I will most certainly write about when it happens, but until then, we’ll just let them live “happily” ever after.