I didn't know anyone, a good portion of my new team is out of town and man, it's really different from anyplace I've been recently. On top of having my umbrella reverse directions on me on my way into work and getting soaked, I had forgotten my cell phone which means I was EXTRA disconnected. No computer till a little after 5 and I missed a meeting because of it. How very new kid. It's scary starting over. It's scary being one of a lot instead of one of a few. Even for little miss never-met-a-stranger...it's daunting! Do you know how long it's been since I used a PC?!
When I got home (after taking the El in the wrong direction around the Loop for a stop), I poured a healthy glass of wine and just wallowed in my exhaustion while a massive summer storm started washing over Wicker Park. The sky turned an all too familiar gangrene color, introduced by a childhood spent living on a Mississippi floodplain. And the wind picked up and the sirens went off. Then the hail came and again, I was a little scared.
Then there were some big cracks of thunder and something changed. I didn't start singing about raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens. Instead I turned off every light in my apartment and watched the whole thing go down with my own whiskered scaredy-kitten hiding in my lap. It was exhilarating and with the lights off, it felt a little easier to take some deep breaths in my dark and flashing living room.
I haven't been scared of anything in a very long time but I'm scared of all sorts of shit at the moment. I'm scared of the change, I'm scared of being out on a limb in every sense and I'm scared of all the chances I've been taking. As of right this second, it feels pretty good. Things were fine the way they were for a long time but the only thing scarier than the risks is not taking them and missing out on the best of it.
If I'm just now getting scared, I must be getting to the good part.
Day Two tomorrow and I'm bringing homemade chocolate chip cookies with two kinds of chocolate chips (dark and semi-sweet). I'm not above bribery and cookies are a sometimes food. As in, sometimes you need to bring out the big guns:)
Cookies is sometimes food from Cookie Monster's guest appearance on Colbert.