Part 7: More Facebooking
At this point, it is safe to assume that Bridezilla actually DOESN’T have anything to talk about besides the wedding. Every single time she updates her “About Me,” it is wedding-related.
“I sent out those Save the Dates! Let me know if you didn’t get one!”
Wow, inviting all of Facebook. I mean, what else could account for such a klassy-with-a-k comment?
“Is it sad that everyone who got engaged before me is already married???” she writes.
We know, you’ve been engaged for two years. We bow down to your innate maturity and patience.
“I’ve had my engagement ring for so long that the jeweler actually thought it was yellow.”
Honey, I wouldn’t brag about that…
Part 8: What Budget?
Despite her initial visions of grandeur regarding the three-ring-wedding-circus, Bridezilla has a modest wedding budget. Still, she immediately decided to invite 300 people. Maybe all of Facebook was invited after all…
And what’s the first thing she does with the money? She spends half of it on a photographer.
“Look, here’s a link to her site. She’s, like, the best in Familyville! I know it’s a lot of money, but I don’t care,” Bridezilla says.
“Well, why would you care? It’s not your cash!”
“Exactly! She’s so awesome. I can’t wait.”
“So, you’ve got only half your original budget to spend on a reception site, food, alcohol, dress – everything else?”
“Technically. But I’m pretending my budget is 10k more than it really is.”
“Oh, well, clearly, that’s the right thing to do,” I tell her.
“I know, I’m so smart.”
Part 9: Klassy
With such a tiny amount of money left over for a massively large wedding, I wonder exactly what kind of party this is going to be.
I assume that the downtown wedding idea is out. I assume correctly.
“We’re gonna have the ceremony at a church, then the reception at a community banquet hall,” Bridezilla tells me.
At least the girl’s working within a budget, even if it’s one that she made up in her head.
“Oh! And I already taste-tested the beer for the kegs! That was the best part of planning so far.”
Ah, we are rolling in kegs. Klassy.
I am now left to assume that there will be boxed wine, a buffet of hot dogs and sloppy joes, a DJ who loves the Chicken Dance and Macarena, and a dress code of “please remember to wear pants.” Fabulous.
Part 10: True Beauty is on the Outside
A few months before the big day, I am commuting home after work when my phone rings. Guess who.
“Um, heey,” she says. “Question.”
“So, how many tattoos do you have now?”
“Hmm. Let’s see, counting the bright purple one I just got on my face… fifteen, plus the sleeve I’m working on. Is this a problem?”
“Bridezilla, I’m kidding. I have four and they are all very small.”
“Phew. Right. So… where are they?”
I hesitate. Not because I have any that are obnoxiously visible, but because I am actually offended by this line of questioning. Still, I tell her where they are and make no apologies or offers to cover them with makeup. She reluctantly approves.
I hang up, rolling my eyes, and immediately call my fiancé. “Listen to this bullshit,” I start.