Thursday, January 31, 2008

Secrets Secrets

At the end of what has been a really fun month all around (in the dead of winter, who knew?) I’m afraid I have a nagging little piece that I can’t seem to keep to myself. I am not a dark person (you have picked up on this, yes?), but this needs to be said while life is in flux. Before it’s too late and I’ve had the chance to betray what’s to be said before I’ve said it. If you can help me then do… I need you and your answers today. Spitting it out:

I will never be okay as someone's dirty little secret. Never. I am not the other woman and have never knowingly been as much. It’s not dangerously sexy to me the way I figure it has to be to those that do it.

No, I’m not demanding a serious relationship. On the contrary, if everyone is on the same page, there are no misconceptions & no necessary lies to be told. I will very happily float through the special occasions, instant gratification and undiluted mischief.

It's once top billing is announced that everything changes.

I am completely unqualified for second place. I am not anyone's opening act or last minute fit-in and I will not wait in the wings as a cautious understudy. I do not exist to make anyone smile to themselves when #1 has left them lonely at the wrong time. No matter how blissful I am in ignorance, as soon as I realize someone else has taken the lead, I just feel deceived. And deceptive, for that matter. I could not bring myself to hurt someone the way I've been hurt. That's a fact and one of the very few areas in my life that I can't see myself ever rationalizing away.

But it’s more than that, it’s more selfish than that sounds.

The real reason that honesty is my policy? Because I am fucking indignant that I should ever be something to be ashamed of. I am a bright-eyed, bright enough girl. Easy to be with and passionate to a fault line. I am not to be hidden, I am not less than and I do not care about your public politics. While concessions could be made for the occasional “too much,” there is not a damn thing about me that says “not enough.”

No, I am not the kind of person to keep a secret. Not a subtle friend, a back-pocket colleague or someone for the sidelines. I am in the ring and in the game and fiercely loyal throughout. I don't apologize for the people I enjoy, the ways or reasons that I enjoy them and it is against my nature to manipulate this information for the sake of timing. I keep regrets to an absolute minimum the way responsible people pay down their credit cards- leaving a little just to keep themselves in check. I chase the light and if I'm into something, that's exactly where I am. That's who pushes my buttons, that's who occupies my thoughts. When I'm done, I say it and I leave before there’s no friendship left to salvage. None of this cake having/eating bullshit. I don’t need someone else to fall back on to get out of a situation that isn’t working. And this doesn't strike me as at all intrepid. It’s just and it’s fair and it should, frankly, be the standard.

*#2 is a buffer for when #1 isn't making the grade. Wouldn’t want to hurt #1, it's so complicated to break off #1 when there are so many people to be shared and, of course, #1 must be on top for a reason. I am not advocating the leaving or the breaking up of anything. I am advocating, “Leave me alone if you in any way belong to someone else. I don’t want your scarlet letter as a part of my monogram. You could likely turn around and give another red felt cut-out away down the line if that’s how things start out.”

Why am I so bewildered by a very basic reality? That people need back-ups, to protect their egos and ease their transitions. That's why, isn't it? I’m genuinely asking this time.

That’s why relief has to be brought in and dealt with on the side, under the table and with the lights off. This is basic. This is life. This is half of the marriages in this country and even more of the straight up relationships.

But this is not me and I am not a secret.

TKTC now returns you to your regular programming and thanks you for your patient patronage.

*Also, It has been brought to the "editorial department's" attention (Thanks B!) that I sound like I'm messing with a married guy.
Not. Even. Close.
(Insert sigh of relief heard round the world)

Although I'm clearly not a fan of that either. In this case, I feel like I keep falling in mutual like with people who refrain from the whole story and as much as I enjoy them thoroughly as humans/friends, I just can't be there if there is a significant plus one on the scene. For all of the reasons stated above.

Addendum: All of the above was spurred via MySpace. Which is perhaps not the most accurate format for information translation. I stand by the sentiment, it just doesn't apply to me personally at this exact point in time. Just when I start to think "Wow, I'm really growing up. Look how grounded I am." Whoops...still a girl!


Gjelly said...

Nice. I'm printing this out and reading it every morning. THANKS. Oh, and maybe I'll share it with a few people I think need to read it...

Shanti said...

this, my dear, is exactly what i needed to hear/read in response to my post that i took down for editing. after years of being that girl that you never let yourself be, i need to up my standards, not only for the guys i become involved with but for myself. thank you for reminding me of that and being quite the stellar example. :)

ToKissTheCook said...

Gjelly: I know for a fact that I said that 10x more for me than because anyone (ahem.) really needed to hear it. I wrote it all down last week and finally published tonight because I've had friends do this too willingly under the Big/Carrie/Natasha guise and we all forget what we're worth sometimes.

Shanti: Thanks. And if I hadn't been tempted to be some shadow of that girl now, it never would have come out. But I'm so glad it did- I needed the reminder and am just grateful that the brakes kicked in before we messed up a solid friendship.

Susie said...

I hear you 100%. I think it's so important that you realize this...but I also know it's hard to always follow through. It's more than frustrating!! I'm always here if you want to talk :)

Molly McGuffin said...

Je t'aime, je t'aime, je'taime!! Si je savais comment dire "you kick ass" en francais, je le dirais!!! Have I missed something in the past week or two? Maybe we can plan to talk on Sunday. Tu me manques beaucoup. Keep being awesome, you are beyond inspirational.

The Ex said...


ToKissTheCook said...

Susie: I swear to goodness I almost sent this to you before I posted it. A last minute, "ehhh, maybe toooo far" checkpoint. Clearly I just decided to take the bulldozer approach but thanks:)

Molly: Tu me manques beaucoup aussi et oui, nous parlerons Dimanche. Mon attitude est la seule chose qui a changé. Merci pour le KICK ASS!

Ex: (Steps down from pulpit) Peace be with you:)

So@24 said...

Secret secrets are no fun. Secrets secrets hurt some one.

Kelli said...

Hi Sweet Girl,

Here is the quote I was thinking of that I found back in college when I was in my not so favorable situation. It helped me, so hopefully it will help you sort through what you're thinking too.

"Never allow someone to be your priority while allowing yourself to be their option."