Mazeltov!

Wedding weekend has come and gone for my beloved Elle Michelle and the Epicurious Alchemist. I can truthfully say it was one of the most beautiful ceremonies I've attended. Not because the entire Chicago skyline was visible from the ballroom on a perfectly clear fall day. Not because the flowers and the people seemed to have coordinated their look in rich shades of violet and fuschia. Not because every song lit up the room with some certain guests vivid memory of a time gone by. All of those things were true but that's not quite it.

It was just so them.

Elle came down the aisle to Incubus played by a pop symphony. Dave started cracking up halfway through the vows. They wrote their own...everything. It was perfectly them.

Which made it perfectly all of us too.

My entire family was in town for the festivities and I don't just mean my parents and Brother. My other family, the neighbors who I was raised with forming a closeknit circle of the family we chose- different "aunts" and "uncles" and "cousins" all drinking wine and whiskey and taking over the dancefloor. The bride and groom led by example:
Dave: Ha! Isn't this fun?!?
L: What did I tell you about the goddamn chairs?!
Dave: What???
L: If I fall, you're coming with me. You are now legally bound to hit the ground before I do.
(conversation imagined by TKTC)

This is Mike. Mike and I grew up together. As in he was the first child I babysat for when he was a terror at 2 and I was in over my head at 10. Both a little misunderstood but not entirely misunderstood. And by that I mean we'd earned our respective reputations (him for being a smart little monster, me for a fatally percocious streak). Now we're sitting next to each other at dinner, drinking wine and talking about Vonnegut. So he may still outsmart me from time to time...

They might be giants. To be fair, L had given up on shoes at this point. Still kinda funny.

Lex and I staging a dance floor takeover one glass of chardonnay at a time.

We couldn't possibly be related. You must be kidding. So serious and then so tickled with the Mom.

This is the picture of the four of us I have and even with Danny lurking in the background, I love it. However, the one in my head is the four of us earlier in the day, sitting in my living room having coffee and listening to "Saturday Morning Music." Having my real home in my physical home all together for the first time? I think that will stick with me. Hard to know these things for sure, but I've got a good feeling.

Bridezilla: Parts 11-14

Last but not least from TKTC Guest Editor Elle Turin- MANY thanks for sharing your pithy charisma on a very wintry week!

Part 11: Prepping for the Big Day

As I arrive at the church with my $250 dress, $30 sash and $250 shoes in hand (what? I needed to feel good about SOMETHING in this mess), I see that Bridezilla is having her hair done by a woman who is still living in 1994. Pretty sure I saw a scrunchie.

“Hey!” I say. “How are you doing?”

“I want vodka,” Bridezilla says. You and me both, lady. You and me both.

Mrs. 1994 finishes Bridezilla’s hair and starts on mine.

“I love your haircut,” she says. “It’s really well done.”

“It’s from 2007,” I say.

Once we’re all gussied up, we let the pricey photographer take a few pictures. And then we wait.

While we are waiting, Cheating-Groom’s mother comes into the room to wait with us. We’re all nervous. I’m nervous about falling on my ass in my Charles Davids. Bridezilla is nervous about… well… just listen:

“I can’t stop moving. I’m so nervous. Quick, distract me,” she says.

“Uh, hey, remember when you wanted some vodka?” I say.

“Yes, why, do you have some?”

“No.” I’m very helpful.

“God, I’m nervous,” Bridezilla says.

“Do you think you’re gonna fall too?” I ask. “Because these shoes may be FIERCE, but I swear, I might face-plant right in front of those pews.”

Cheating-Groom’s mom smiles. She’s pretty quiet.

Bridezilla says, “No, I won’t fall. I’m just nervous about, you know, making a lifetime commitment.”

SCREEEEECH.

WHAT?

Oh, God, please tell me she did not just say that in front of Cheating-Groom’s MOTHER.

Instead of taking it back, she decides to make it worse.

“Yeah, and the funniest thing is that a few weeks before Cheating-Groom proposed, I was going to break up with him! I just didn’t want to date him anymore, really. I was over it.”

Oh. My. God.

Cheating-Groom’s mom gives an awkward smile and runs away.

I, for once, am speechless.

Part 12: The Ceremony

Ceremony time finally arrives and I slooowly walk down the aisle in my fancy-schmancy shoes. I do not fall. I am awesome.

The priest begins the ceremony by telling the guests how Bridezilla and Cheating-Groom met.

He lied.

“Most of you know that Bridezilla, having gone to the State-U, is a big State-U fan. And Cheating-Groom over here, well, he went to Rival. And the two of them met one fateful fall day at a State-U/Rival football game. I don’t know who won, but I do know that if they can stay together through those football seasons, they’ll be together forever!”

The guests roar.

I, on the other hand, pick my jaw up from the floor. That is NOT how they met. I will tell you how they met.

Bridezilla was in college at State-U, a notorious party school with zero interest in academics. Bridezilla had never even kissed a boy before.

Her roommate’s friend, Cheating-Groom, came into town to visit, and everyone went out and got very drunk. Bridezilla was so drunk, she ended up making out with Cheating-Groom that very first night at the end of the bar.

“Heey, Bridezilla, need some chapstick?” her friends teased (they’re witty like that). “Who’s your new friend?”

“Oh, this is Cheap-Group,” she said.

Cheating-Groom interrupts. “Uh, actually it’s Cheating-Groom.”

That’s right, folks. Bridezilla didn’t even know his name.

“Whatever,” she slurred.

She later told me that she didn’t expect (or want) to hear from him again, but he emailed her and they kept in touch. And then got married a few years later.

What a great start, huh? Throw in two cheating incidents (his) and some pathetic acceptance (hers), and you’ve got a recipe for romance!

So, back to the ceremony. I assume I am the only person who knows the true story of their first encounter because everyone else is looking at them lovingly. Some are even crying. I try to glance back at my fiance ever-so-sneakily, but I’m scared that if I shift my feet, I will fall off the step I’m standing on. So, I’m all alone in my shock.

Luckily, the ceremony lasted all of 6 minutes, so there weren’t many more opportunities to lie in front of God.

Part 13: The Reception

I got drunk.

The end.

Part 14: Epilogue

Bridezilla and Cheating-Groom are still married, many months later. He has not cheated on her yet, but I don’t think she would tell me about it anymore even if he did.

Bridezilla hasn’t had a job in nearly a year. She has no desire to get a job. I do not understand how she pay her bills, especially since Cheating-Groom’s salary rivals that of a lowly graduate student (except he’s without the advanced degree). Nonetheless, she is a lazy housewife in a teeny-tiny town with nothing to do and no goals to accomplish.

I predict she is biding her time until she can get knocked up and pop out a kid, which I will most certainly write about when it happens, but until then, we’ll just let them live “happily” ever after.

Bridezilla: Parts 7-10

Welcome back...and who knew this many people liked to dress up toy dinosaurs?! More from TKTC contributor Elle Turin below:

Part 7: More Facebooking

At this point, it is safe to assume that Bridezilla actually DOESN’T have anything to talk about besides the wedding. Every single time she updates her “About Me,” it is wedding-related.

“I sent out those Save the Dates! Let me know if you didn’t get one!”

Wow, inviting all of Facebook. I mean, what else could account for such a klassy-with-a-k comment?

“Is it sad that everyone who got engaged before me is already married???” she writes.

We know, you’ve been engaged for two years. We bow down to your innate maturity and patience.

“I’ve had my engagement ring for so long that the jeweler actually thought it was yellow.”

Honey, I wouldn’t brag about that…

Part 8: What Budget?

Despite her initial visions of grandeur regarding the three-ring-wedding-circus, Bridezilla has a modest wedding budget. Still, she immediately decided to invite 300 people. Maybe all of Facebook was invited after all…

And what’s the first thing she does with the money? She spends half of it on a photographer.

“Look, here’s a link to her site. She’s, like, the best in Familyville! I know it’s a lot of money, but I don’t care,” Bridezilla says.

“Well, why would you care? It’s not your cash!”

“Exactly! She’s so awesome. I can’t wait.”

“So, you’ve got only half your original budget to spend on a reception site, food, alcohol, dress – everything else?”

“Technically. But I’m pretending my budget is 10k more than it really is.”

“Oh, well, clearly, that’s the right thing to do,” I tell her.

“I know, I’m so smart.”

Part 9: Klassy

With such a tiny amount of money left over for a massively large wedding, I wonder exactly what kind of party this is going to be.

I assume that the downtown wedding idea is out. I assume correctly.

“We’re gonna have the ceremony at a church, then the reception at a community banquet hall,” Bridezilla tells me.

At least the girl’s working within a budget, even if it’s one that she made up in her head.

“Oh! And I already taste-tested the beer for the kegs! That was the best part of planning so far.”

Ah, we are rolling in kegs. Klassy.

I am now left to assume that there will be boxed wine, a buffet of hot dogs and sloppy joes, a DJ who loves the Chicken Dance and Macarena, and a dress code of “please remember to wear pants.” Fabulous.

Part 10: True Beauty is on the Outside

A few months before the big day, I am commuting home after work when my phone rings. Guess who.

“Um, heey,” she says. “Question.”

Cringe.

“So, how many tattoos do you have now?”

“Hmm. Let’s see, counting the bright purple one I just got on my face… fifteen, plus the sleeve I’m working on. Is this a problem?”

Silence.

“Bridezilla, I’m kidding. I have four and they are all very small.”

“Phew. Right. So… where are they?”

I hesitate. Not because I have any that are obnoxiously visible, but because I am actually offended by this line of questioning. Still, I tell her where they are and make no apologies or offers to cover them with makeup. She reluctantly approves.

I hang up, rolling my eyes, and immediately call my fiancé. “Listen to this bullshit,” I start.

Think he’s sick of this yet?

Bridezilla: Parts 4-6

Your Monday post courtesy of TKTC Guest Editor Elle Turin. I could get used to this:)

Part 4: The Kiss-Ass Bridesmaid (No, not me. Big surprise.)

One of Bridezilla’s bridesmaids is petite. The bridesmaids dress comes in petite. Kiss-Ass-Bridesmaid is ecstatic over this.

She gushes, “I love that the dress comes in petite! YOU ARE THE BEST BRIDE EVER!!”

We get it, you’re proud to be tiny. Now shut up.

I also highly disapprove of bestowing praise where it is undue, so I automatically throw up in my mouth a bit when I hear this comment. How did I even hear this, you ask?

Bridezilla posted that comment on Facebook as one of her favorite quotes of all time.

We get it, you think you’re a good bride. Now shut up.

Apparently, Kiss-Ass-Bridesmaid was doing additional ass-kissing things, because the next comment I saw on Bridezilla’s Facebook a few weeks later was, “Kiss-Ass-Bridesmaid has three gold stars on her bridesmaids chart!!!”

I think it’s safe to assume that I have zero.

Part 5: The Facebooking Continues. So Does My Anger.

In case the entire Facebook community isn’t aware that Bridezilla is getting married, she decides to post potential Save the Dates and ask everyone’s opinion on them.

I refuse to participate in this whole Look-At-Me-I’m-Engaged charade.

I am called out.

“Go vote on my Save the Dates!” Bridezilla writes on my wall.

No.

Part 6: Wedding, Wedding, Wedding, Wedding

I am also engaged. For some reason, Bridezilla thinks that this means I no longer have anything to talk about besides weddings.

In the course of two weeks, I had a ton of things happen in my life. I quit a terrible job, drastically changed my hair for the first time ever and scored an awesome new job before my two weeks’ were up at the old hellhole. I consider these to be big changes.

All of these things were referenced on Facebook. (Where else?) Several friends commented publicly and privately to me on one or all of these items.

What does Bridezilla do?

She sees all of these new developments and sends this:

“What style wedding gown are you thinking of?”

“Oh, you know, something that will match my new hair and really reflect the fact that I’m completely satisfied in my new job that I got a week ago. Something like that, I think.”

Bridezilla: Parts 1-3

About the Author: Elle Turin is a writer living in Chicago in the company of her rather dashing companion, many tall buildings and a few empty bottles of wine. To contact her, get in touch with TKTC as she is most definitely a gun for hire.

Without Further Ado...

Gather ‘round boys and girls. I’m going to tell you a story about a bride named Bridezilla (I know! What are the odds?), her now-husband (named Cheating-Groom by his parents with what can only be morbid foresight) and how she single-handedly made me adverse to all weddings ever – including my own.

Part 1: The Engagement Announcement

“Cheating-Groom and I are engaged!” said Bridezilla, over the phone.

“Yay!” I say. “How’d it happen?”

Bridezilla tells me about their engagement trip (“I seriously called it that!” Giggle.) where they barely spoke to each other the entire time. He was too nervous and she was too excited. Sounds like fun.

With Bridezilla fully aware of what’s about to happen, Cheating-Groom takes her to the most touristy area of the city at 10pm on a freezing fall night. Who’s out on a freezing fall night in tourist country, you ask? The bums, of course. Including a bum with a bloody appendage who interrupted their engagement.

“Isn’t that typical?” Bridezilla says. “It’s SO us!”

“I do often associate your relationship with a mangled body parts,” I offer.

“So you ARE GOING to be a bridesmaid. I am so excited!”

Eh?

I mean, I know we discussed this in elementary school, but I also told her that she could hand-sew her own gown for my wedding. Are we supposed to follow through with that too?

I have a feeling this is going to be an interesting engagement.

Part 2: The Wedding Plan – Here, There, Everywhere

After I agreed to be a bridesmaid, Bridezilla started thinking about where she would like to have her wedding. Her family is in Familyville. His family is in Cheating-Groom-Town. Why not have two weddings? Even better, make it three!

“So, I think we’ll have a beach wedding in Cheating-Groom-Town on an island,” Bridezilla says, “after which we’ll leave immediately for our honeymoon. Then we’ll have the reception at Cheating-Groom’s parents’ garden a few months later. And after that, we’ll let my parents host a downtown reception in Familyville.”

“Hold. Order is wedding-honeymoon-reception-reception?” I ask.

“Well, yeah. I want a beach wedding, a garden wedding and a downtown wedding, so this way, I’ll get all three! The party will never end!” Bridezilla seems proud of her idea. I, on the other hand, want to take her idea and shove it up her ass.

“So, again to clarify, you want me to fly to an island, rent a villa, rent a car, stand up in your wedding in a gown I’ll never wear again, and you’re not even gonna feed me dinner because you’ll be off on your honeymoon?”

“Yes! Won’t that be fun?”

“Oh, sure, but I can’t do that because I’m not made of money. So count me out.”

After a few months, when Bridezilla realized that my reaction was actually the general consensus for all of her guests, she changed her plans.

“Well, we’re just going have the wedding in Familyville,” Bridezilla concedes. “You can definitely be there since you have family there too.”

This is true. I have no excuse now. And it’s only going downhill from here.

Part 3: The Bridemaids Gowns

Bridezilla immediately decided that the dress color would be rich raspberry. “It’s very IN right now,” she tells me. This is especially amusing because Bridezilla wouldn’t know a trend if it crawled up her faded jeans, wrapped around her dirty t-shirt and smacked her in her freckled face. But I digress.

“Sure, I like raspberries,” I say. It’s true.

“Now, I really want to be a good bride,” Bridezilla says, “and I know money is tight right now, so I’m going to look for dresses that are $150 or less.”

Hallelujah!

Shoulda gotten it in writing.

After about a week, Bridezilla started moaning that she couldn’t find any raspberry dresses for under $150. As she is someone without a job, I don’t understand how she wouldn’t have time to find such a dress. But, alas, I know that one of my bridesmaid duties is to help Bridezilla, so I scour the web and department stores myself.

I send her about 50 links to dresses that all match the detailed description. She blatantly makes fun of some of them – totally missing the point: This is not some crazy, Holy-Grail type of task.

After a good six months, I get a random e-mail from Bridezilla titled, “Hello, Adoring Bridesmaids!”

I do not open it for three days.

But when I do, I am horrified. Bridezilla has selected a $250 designer gown, with a $30 sash. She requests to see the shoes I want before I buy them. Buy them? I start ranting and raving so much that my own fiancé actually runs into a corner and rocks back and forth in the fetal position.

Guest Editors and Recommended Reading

Two of my favorite writers in my real life have decided to share their favorite pieces!!! My grandfather (AKA PopPop or Arnie Baby) has finally updated his blog and done so with a short story called "Max That Cat," who happened to precede Agatha if you're paying attention. It's funny and could not be more saturated with Pop's quick, funny tome.

The second writer is my friend Elle Turin who will be a contributor on TKTC for the next few days with "Bridezilla." Should get you through the week with daily installments. I will be posting my nonsense alongside but Elle will be giving you significantly more entertaining meat. Cutco has nothing on this girl.